I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
