There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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