i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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