Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
