I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize