We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
