if i can run in heels then i can drive
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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