The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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