Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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