Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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