Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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