i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
