Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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