the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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