one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
