PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
