How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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