Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
