false alarm. still invincible.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize