Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
