you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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