i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize