I love black thongs
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
