Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
4 words: hood of his car
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
