Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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