mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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