I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
