He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
