get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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