Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
