took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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