I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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