So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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