i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
