I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize