I skipped work to stalk him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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