While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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