Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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