Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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