Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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