so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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