May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize