I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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