i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
