watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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