Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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