I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
