Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i need some magic done to my vagina
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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