he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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