She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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