Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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