Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
