I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
People in love make me want to vomit
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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