life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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