He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
