At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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