I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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