I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
