Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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