roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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