My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
