I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sext me about skeletons
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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