i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
