textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
