There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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