from now on my penis is your penis
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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