when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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