Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
