College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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