when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
