took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
